Allow me to introduce my diary from hell!

Content Note

This book is a work of literary fiction. It explores difficult themes, including depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts, and portrays an intense inner experience that some readers may find distressing.

If you are going through something similar, please know that you are not alone, and that support is available. A list of resources can be found at the end of this book.

This might be a novel or perhaps I should call it a book wearing the guise of a novel yet beneath its literary clothing lies a truth so bare, so merciless, that few dare to meet it eye to eye. We cloak ourselves in clothing, in masks, in endless veils, for who could endure the sight of their own essence, stripped and naked? And yet, the reality we wander through, the world we call our own, was first conceived in the womb of fiction. This diary might be yours, or it might belong to someone you thought you knew but knew nothing of. This is my story, and that "my" could be yours; that "my" could be your mother's, your father's, your sister's, your brother's, a friend's you call ordinary or perhaps someone's you call a weirdo.

Dedication:

For me and myself only

How it all started?

The first thing I want to talk about is me, or people like me, whom I like to call "the suicidal penguins."

When everything is white, we choose to be black.

When everything is dark, we choose to be the light.

When everyone decides to be the hunter, we choose to be the deer.

When everyone is the woodcutter, we choose to be the forest.

Yet, that doesn't cause a problem for us.

We can be proud of it sometimes, if not all the time.

There is a secret we do not share, not even with each other.

It is what I call "the never-ending maze."

And that is exactly the reason I decided to write to you.

At first that maze was gorgeous, peaceful, relaxing.

When I get lost in it, I find myself.

When I am blind, I find my way.

When I am deaf, I hear its melody.

When I am paralyzed, I dance to its rhythm.

The maze that sheltered my heart, lifted my burdens, and embraced my mind, it was my refuge from the chaos, from the noise of this world.

That maze I once described as my paradise,

a paradise whose threshold only pure souls and elegant minds could cross.

That maze where birds sang their melodies,

where the air itself became a symphony.

Shadows shielded me, light warmed me, branches decorated my world.

Water flowed with a gentle flutter,

its murmur barely perceptible,

Roses bloomed, smiling.

Clouds released their tears softly,

while thunder let out a laugh.

The sky, where tears and smiles met,

those beautiful contradictions.

I possessed a calm that lured peacefulness

and a serenity that intoxicated souls.

Until now, everything was okay.

But in this world, nothing is ever allowed to be so.

we suicidal penguins are envied for everything and nothing.

So, while the birds were chirping,

the clouds were fighting,

the water was running,

the branches were twisting,

they come.

Everything fades.

Everything withers.

Souls are seized.

Cups ran dry.

Graves are filled with dreams.

Flowers fall like tears.

Trees dry into stone.

The sky grows heavy with black clouds,

and the air becomes thick, suffocating.

I try to breathe.

I can't.

I try to escape.

There is no way out.

My beautiful maze

turned into ashes,

into hell.

I no longer know the way.

No beginning. No end.

Once I took my first step, it was too late.

There is no escape. No exit.

These are my diaries from within that hell.

I will tell them to you,

to you alone.

But before you take the next step, let me ask you:

Are you sure?

Do you truly wish to walk this path with me?

And let me warn you,

if you are like me from us « suicidal penguin »,

be careful.

Otherwise, your own maze will devour you

while you are lost wandering with me.

So, do we look alike?

Can you feel me?

Can I feel you?

Do we have something in common?

Or maybe we are in the same maze.

At least then, I would have a companion.

Let me ask you something else:

How about your own maze?

Do you dare to step into it, if you do?

Do you think your soul will make it out alive?

Enter it, if you wish.

And do not say I did not warn you.

Do you think you will find the exit?

You will not.

You will be lost as I was lost.

You will drown as I was drowned.

You will be devoured as I was devoured, alive.

Scream if you wish.

No one will hear you.

Silence here is too loud.

You Scream.

You don't hear yourself.

You try to hold on to something

There is nothing except the void

And when you finally think you have found the exit,

you will cross it happily,

only to find yourself back at the beginning once more.

Every ending is the beginning and every beginning is the end

every exit is nothing but a new shackle

in an endless chain.

This is our secret, one that none of us dares to share.

This is the never-ending maze,

the hell of wandering souls,

where every step draws you closer to your demons,

and every truth drags you toward a mountain of lies.

Welcome to hell.

If you enter it despite all of my warnings

tell me now,

do you have the courage to seek salvation,

or will you sit, like me,

in a corner, contemplating the ashes?